Peter Hitchens is a moron

I recently picked up a copy of The Cameron Delusion by Daily Mail columnist and prick Peter Hitchens.













(Left: All round stupid bastard Peter Hitchens probably talking about how cracking guns are in a shit documentary before using said gun to shoot a foreigner or homosexual because he's a good Tory)





Like anyone sensible I find David Cameron repulsive. He looks like a turd wrapped in clingfilm. My mother recently burned me by saying I looked like him. The joke is on her as people always say I look like her.






(Hitchens pretending to care about poor kids in Asia whilst secretly hating the poor in Britain)















I didn't know who Hitchens was I never read the Daily Mail because I know the difference between news and the opinions of racist, homophobic, narrow minded arseholes. I'm glad I've never read a word this fool has written before his latest pile of wank. The only thing we agree on is that Cameron is a tool and a media whore.




However, Hitchens hates him because its obvious Hitchens wants his job and I'm going to go out on a limb and say Hitchens would like to sniff his bicycle saddle after he had sat on it. Below is a list of reasons The Cameron Delusion is shit:

• Hitchens rails against the Labour governments by "naming and shaming" all the Labour cabinet ministers that had at one time been Socialists/Marxists/ Trotskyist etc. Well done Hitchens, here's a small piece of information, the Labour party calls itself a Democratic Socialist party, therefore it contains one or two people with some left wing leanings. The reason a lot of the Labour elite no longer call themselves "Marxist" is because they grew up and realised Marxism doesn't work.

• Hitchens rails against the Tories for not being conservative enough using the logic that Tories have changed their tack a little and realised that in this day and age its OK to be gay or unmarried or an Atheist. He is perfect for the Daily Mail as his political opinions stem from the 1940's.

• His crowning moment is his anger at every single Tory government for not scrapping the NHS and welfare payments for the unemployed/ disabled. Baring in mind these two triumphs of common sense came after WW2, surely a good time for policies that try to help one's fellow man after six years of devastating war and the Holocaust. Hitchens believes that the Tories should be opposed to free health care and helping the poor. Fuck him.

The only good thing I can say about the Tories is that they seem to think he's as big a cunt as I do.






I beg you to do what all the sensible people in Waterstones did and ignore this arse cake of a book.






If you want to read a good Delusion read the God Delusion by Richard Dawkins, a quality book by a true legend.

The comedy of errors continues-an idiots guide to the English football (soccer) team

England's finest where in action last night. It was fun to watch Adrian Chiles, with his face like a ball bags neck, assuring us that our heroes had played well.

(Left: Adrian Chiles. P.s That is not Adrain Chiles. It just looks like him)

As usual we were crap. 2-1 against Hungary is hardly earth shattering. What was also amusing was the commentators and pundits insisting that the team was the "new breed". Two or three new players doesn't make it "new".

They had more spark than the dismal Sunday league layabouts that went to the world cup but not much more. Its Hungary for Christs sake. We are apparently the 7th best team in the world, we should have laughed those peasants out of our lovely stadium.

Like all Englishman I am guilty of disgusting over confidence on all matters of English football. I really do believe we are going to win any tournament we enter and am always gutted when we are humbled by far superior opposition. Like everyone else I thought Capello would change things. Him with his melted rubber face and indecipherable accent.

Like all England managers though he knows he can't really tinker with the line up. People scream at the TV when he names a 4-4-2 formation but sit quietly by as almost every Premier League manager does exactly the same as him. Still, we all know better than the England manager. Its a weird phenomenon, nobody would dream to tell seasoned club managers what to do, nobody ever shots at Jose, Fergie, Wenger, Ancelotti. We trust their skills and judgement. The moment one of them takes on the curse of the England national team though everyone knows better.

I'm guilty of it too we all are. That's why the bosses resign. Imagine going to work every day with 70,000 people screaming different opinions of how you should do something. Then if you make the slightest mistake they will scream abuse at you and the papers will make a pun out of your name.

(These guys will follow you to work. Sometimes piping up with "YOU STUPID BASTARD SMITH!" USE TWO STAPLES ON THAT FILE! AAAAH YOU KNOW NOTHING YOU TWAT!!!")

Unlike the rest of the country I was not filled with impotent rage when I learnt Fabio wasn't going to play Beckham anymore. I still think he has something to offer but I am sick of people saying, whenever Beckham goes to take a free kick:

"He'll score this. He always scores free kicks"

He doesn't. Like every other player, he occasionally scores the odd free kick, he just does it at the right time. This comment always comes from some dribbling idiot who never watches football and knows who Beckham is from the front page of the Sun. Incidentally this is where he gains all his knowledge from. See him below:

Still, Becks gave a lot of service to the England team and I will miss him.

Good luck to you buddy. Enjoy your millions of pounds and beautiful wife while the rest of us crawl around in this armpit of an existence.

I'm not bitter.

Just because you say something doesn't make it true

The sheer fuckwittery of some people leaves me speechless.

At work the other day I decided it was high time I started chasing up on some overdue debts from customers. So I sent out one of my beautifully worded "Group" E-Mails to all the customers that owed and hoped this gentle reminder would get some money coming in.

Therefore imagine my surprise when some lunatic sent me this response:

"Please don't spam mail me. I don't live there and haven't been living there since January. I have paid and i don't owe you anything. Please stop harassing me or I will take legal action. I know there are a lot of people who has many problems with you guys at #@£$%^&. So please don't mail my anymore. I have delivered the key and said farewell. I do not wish to hear from you again."

This would have been sort of OK except for the fact that the moron still owes my company something in the region of £6000.

Nice going you tool, tell me you've paid and I'll believe you. We don't keep records of these kind of things. If I were you I'd spend your money on your debts rather than legal action.

Also our "harassment" of this tool consisted of about three E-Mails and four debt recovery letters. Things we wouldn't have had to send if he had paid in the first place.

My favourite piece of this idiotic letter is the "I do not wish to hear from you again" like we'd just say "Oh sorry. Keep the money you owe us. I mean shit it's not like we did anything to earn it besides (deep breath) buying the land, getting planning permission ,constructing the building, furnishing the building, maintaining the building, paying the utility bills and generally keeping to our side of your contract. All this nob had to do was live there and sleep on the bed we had provided, not to mention pay what is slightly less than the standard rate for an en-suite room with shared kitchen in North London.

But fuck it, people stopped taking responsibility for their actions years ago. The only people who support landlords is the courts and our legal system is so slow that they get a year rent-free in the property before we can haul their lazy arses in front of a judge anyway.

In case you hadn't guessed I work for a property management company in London and let me tell you its a constant fucking struggle. People are so down on anyone that wants to build anything new in the city its crazy.

It's generally people who don't live in central London anyway that moan that the new buildings "ruin the character of the area etc". Considering most of our property is built on what was once wasteland next to railway stations I have to disagree. London needs a good clean and a lick of paint. Sure the old buildings are nice but so was the Reichstag.

New shit is the future, more new shit!

As I mentioned in my last post its time to wise up, its not down to governments, councils or charities to make our cities grow and prosper its up to us to allow commerce to continue, for development to flourish and for new enterprise to provide jobs.

Lets get our heads out of our arses and pay our bills! With a bit of self responsibility and a firm hand we can smash this recession.

Well with that patrotic tirade directed firmly at my zeroes of followers I'll continue to yell at my TV in what will most likely be an empty room.

Review of a book I haven't even finished

Hello nobody (deafening sound of nobody caring).

At the weekend I was doing my monthly book buy. Yes, unlike, it seems, everybody in the world I actually go to something called a shop to buy books. Crazy as it sounds it allows you to find books yourself rather than a website telling you that you "might like" this book, or "other people who bought this book bought" (often followed by a list of absolute crap).

I thought my proposed anti-amazon legislation should be made public now. I mean come on! How did this ever take off. Amazon is fine for an obscure title that you really need for studying or something, but if you are so fucking lazy and that much of a philistine you can't be arsed to look through the "Crime Fiction" section in a bookshop then you should jump off a bridge...a high one.

I have never bought a book online except text books because last time I checked they didn't sell those in Waterstones. I remember when there were bookshops all over the show. Ones that didn't sell coffee, didn't have bean bags for the kids, anything. Just fucking shelf after shelf of lovely literature. That's how things should be, reading isn't a social activity and never will be, but going shopping is. So even if you are a hermit that lives in a castle and all you do is read, at least you could get out and buy some new books. Now all the self respecting swamp dweller needs is a modem and he's got books.

That's part of the argument isn't it? What about people who don't live near a bookshop/ library etc? Tough shit, you live that far from civilisation that there isn't even a bookshop nearby you were probably an extra in Deliverance. This is a constant thorn in my side, people who live in rural areas should learn that if you live in the middle of nowhere then you don't get the same service as those of us who choose to live with the rest of society.

There was a real shit storm recently about how slow broadband was in the countryside. Well Duh. Somewhere that only gets one bus a day can probably live without it.

Basically I miss the days of bookshops that weren't WH Smith, Waterstones or a bit near the counter at HMV. I like to browse, I hate thrillers and self help books or big heavy coffee table shit heaps about gardening, cooking or interior design.

Here are some books you should read that you can probably find on Amazon but will be half the fun of stumbling across them in a dusty bookshop on a wet day (or they will actually be supplied by a third party company called Big Bastard Bills Book Bollocking Burn Up Bonanza.com):

• The Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy Series by Douglas Adams (Your life is not complete without reading these books)
• Humphrey Hawksleys Dragon strike series (The most in depth geo-political thrillers on the market)
• The God Delusion by Richard Dawkins
• Bill Bryson's complete works
• Terry Pratchett's complete works
• The Worldwar series by Harry Turtledove (True Sci-Fi heaven)

I could go on and I will for a few more paragraphs. My main point is this: buy your shit in shops. Shops employ people, shops keep buildings full up (anyone like the look of all the empty book shops, there is an empty Borders near where I work and its a fucking eyesore now. Thanks Amazon), full buildings give other people work too. If we buy everything online our cities are soon going to look pretty fucking bleak.

So yeah, that's me told because I'm the only one that reads this shit because I write it.

An englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman and a clown

I have noticed my first three posts have been somewhat cliche in nature. Wry observations about vinegar, spilling your dinner and late trains are more tired than an asthmatic clown trying to blow up balloons at a particularly well attended birthday party.

(A tired clown at a well attended Birthday Party, note the balloons on the wall. If you're wondering why he isn't wearing trousers, so am I)

So after noting this, here is a tired comic story for you. Hopefully this will make you weep tears of joy and self loathing into your keyboard.

I was stuck in the desert with Jock (a scotsman) and Clive (an Irishman) see? Its one of those, bare with me.

The jeep had broken down so we were planning to set off on foot. Jock being something of a Bear Grylls/ Ray Mears/ Trevor MacDonald type decided to take a lot of water, food and some other bits of survival tat.

Clive (who was somewhat retarded, this had nothing to do with where he came from) decided to wrench the door from the jeep and carry that about. Neither of us were bothered with this act of wanton vandalism on what was a rented Jeep. Clive was always costing us deposits. Just to check I asked:

"Whats that for Clive?"

"Well" he said "If I get hot I can wind the window down"

How we laughed! But I was forced to reply:

"Well done Clive, however I've fixed the jeep now so lets crack on, Eh?"

( A poor reconstruction of Clive carrying a door)

Despite this minor setback we arrived in Cairo on time and reported that An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman had been out in the desert in a jeep. People laughed but we had become firm friends.

Anyway, enough of this nonsense. I hope you enjoyed the pictures I added to this post. Please feel free to enjoy a vicar on a motorcycle somewhere else on this page.

Your failure is of course unexpected.

You've got to laugh at the wackiness of National Express trains. "Your train is delayed due to an unexpected signal failure". I would laugh except its not funny and now I'm late. Thanks.

Its the word "unexpected" that rankles with me. Of course it was unexpected, you don't expect your signals to fail. That's our job. Every commuter "expects" delays..because you're useless. I have never completed a week of travelling without some "unexpected delay".

I like to picture the National Express control room. Picture the scene, its 9am and Geoffrey Bogarde Smyth (Engineer extraordinaire) is watching hawkishley over his signal monitors. Suddenly a red light fails and a train leaps through a level crossing smashing into a bus full of blind orphans causing a terrific explosion.

"Goodness" says Geoffrey, sipping his morning tea "That was unexpected"

Its not like a signal fails and the control room just sit there and say "Oh, I knew that was going to happen"

Maybe the train companies only employ clairvoyants who only fail to forsee these things when "Their vision is clouded by a terrible sadness". I envision National Express employees predicting train arrival times using a complicated system of Crystal Balls, Tarot Cards and tea leaves. It would be just as effective as the current system.

You could approach an information desk and ask "When is the next train to Stanstead Mountfitchet"

"First" the old gypsy lady would demand (resplendent in the Red Tie and White Shirt of National Express employees) "Cross my palm with silver"

What I would like is honesty like I recieved last week when I approached Jabba The Hutt carrying a ticket machine (and of course wearing a white shirt and a red tie). "Excuse me" I asked, trying not to add "Mighty Jabba", "When is the train getting here?"

"Dunno mate" he replied

That stark honesty is what built this great nation. I would like announcements to sound like this:

"Dear commuters. As we are woefully under profit and can no longer afford engineering staff, there has quite predictably been a failure of our equipment. So continue to stand there on a wet platform like the human filth we consider you to be. P.S If you haven't bought a ticket stand by. WE WILL fine you into an early grave. Our sub standard guff of a service is no defence against refusing to pay. So sit tight and wait for the inevitable announcement that for some unexplainable reason we have cut this train from 8 to 4 coaches. We are looking forward to watching two hundred people fit in a space designed for about 16."

Anyway, this is all bollocks really. What I am trying to say is that my train was late this morning. That was far simpler.

Shut up Pete.

The harder you work, the more you will ruin your carpet.

In a fine example of sods law I come to realise all effort is fruitless and the harder you work the more likely you are to fail.

I fought may way home early today even going as far to take a taxi e.g paid abduction by the worlds most boring man. The boring cabbie managed to talk for twenty minutes without saying anything interesting until we were nearly outside my house. Then he said:
-Nice 'ere innit'?
-Yeah
-Yeah nice an quiet innit'?
-Yeah
-Yeah I loved quiet but I got sick of it when I lived in a cordless village

I couldn't bring myself to ask, though what I should have said was "A cordless what?". I mean I didn't even know villages had cords. I knew History teachers wore them, but whole villages? I mean what next? Exploding toast?

Anyhoo, I got home early because I was looking forward to a nice curry. I had all my ingredients and stuff and had made my own sauce and everything.

There it was on its plate, I had it on a tray, I was watching TV, life was good. Then I quickly placed the tray on the table, it was hanging over the edge a bit, I plop my glass down, the tray flips over and upends curry on my beige carpet.

I honestly have never been so angry, which says a lot about me I know, especially as I served in the army for seven years. It explains my slow progress in that job.

So, I put in the work, and what did I get? Toast and peanut fucking butter for tea. Treat.

This is pure, unmitigated proof, that hard work just leads to more hard work. As I grafted over my curry all I got was more graft washing my carpets with Vanish.

Mediocrity creeps up on you! Read on for proof.

Here is a poorly written diatribe on what its like to realise that you may well have become something you used to hate.

It hits you as you wander through a suburban supermarket. You walk down the aisles selecting things you realise you weren't picking up only a few weeks ago. Then you pick up a bottle of something and think "This is nice. This is a product that will definitely improve my life". However, it's not. It's balsamic vinegar and you have become truly middle class. Congratulations, you now know what "Hotel California" was about, because you can never leave.

You do have some options as a young middle class suburbanite, you can give in and go with it, take drugs or jump off a multi storey car park. That's not all your options, but at the time of realization that's the only way you see it.

So, what did I do? Do you care? No, of course not because you're a rational human being. I'll see you in Waitrose.