Your failure is of course unexpected.

You've got to laugh at the wackiness of National Express trains. "Your train is delayed due to an unexpected signal failure". I would laugh except its not funny and now I'm late. Thanks.

Its the word "unexpected" that rankles with me. Of course it was unexpected, you don't expect your signals to fail. That's our job. Every commuter "expects" delays..because you're useless. I have never completed a week of travelling without some "unexpected delay".

I like to picture the National Express control room. Picture the scene, its 9am and Geoffrey Bogarde Smyth (Engineer extraordinaire) is watching hawkishley over his signal monitors. Suddenly a red light fails and a train leaps through a level crossing smashing into a bus full of blind orphans causing a terrific explosion.

"Goodness" says Geoffrey, sipping his morning tea "That was unexpected"

Its not like a signal fails and the control room just sit there and say "Oh, I knew that was going to happen"

Maybe the train companies only employ clairvoyants who only fail to forsee these things when "Their vision is clouded by a terrible sadness". I envision National Express employees predicting train arrival times using a complicated system of Crystal Balls, Tarot Cards and tea leaves. It would be just as effective as the current system.

You could approach an information desk and ask "When is the next train to Stanstead Mountfitchet"

"First" the old gypsy lady would demand (resplendent in the Red Tie and White Shirt of National Express employees) "Cross my palm with silver"

What I would like is honesty like I recieved last week when I approached Jabba The Hutt carrying a ticket machine (and of course wearing a white shirt and a red tie). "Excuse me" I asked, trying not to add "Mighty Jabba", "When is the train getting here?"

"Dunno mate" he replied

That stark honesty is what built this great nation. I would like announcements to sound like this:

"Dear commuters. As we are woefully under profit and can no longer afford engineering staff, there has quite predictably been a failure of our equipment. So continue to stand there on a wet platform like the human filth we consider you to be. P.S If you haven't bought a ticket stand by. WE WILL fine you into an early grave. Our sub standard guff of a service is no defence against refusing to pay. So sit tight and wait for the inevitable announcement that for some unexplainable reason we have cut this train from 8 to 4 coaches. We are looking forward to watching two hundred people fit in a space designed for about 16."

Anyway, this is all bollocks really. What I am trying to say is that my train was late this morning. That was far simpler.

Shut up Pete.